Daily Frustration

It’s been a few months since I stopped taking zombie pills. I was never able to tell what impact they were having when I was emotionally dejuiced, but it’s more obvious now. There are highs and lows, but mostly it’s frustration over things I have no control over – and probably shouldn’t be bothered by in the first place.

I woke up to a parking ticket yesterday morning. Every time I get used to the 2nd and 4th Tuesday street-sweeping schedule, something upsets my schedule and makes me forget about it. That something was spending all day Monday in Downtown LA on several hours of sleep, then passing out for 14 hours not even knowing what day it was. The fact that you have to provide your own stamp to mail in a parking ticket is insult to injury. But this doesn’t frustrate me. I’m not happy that I’m out $30 bucks, constituting a solid percentage of my total savings-through-frugality this month. I don’t get frustrated by the normal shit. I know plenty of people who act indignant: “How DARE those fucking cops give ME a ticket for parking illegally! This is total bullshit!” Streets gotta be sweeped or go to shit, I understand this.

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Last night at work I needed someone to print something out from an email because I do not yet have access. My coworker graciously decided to “show me” how to print an email. First, we had to search for the job number. She typed in the number and proceeded to click the “New Search” button instead of the “Find Now” button. Twice. I only interrupted as I saw her going towards the button for a third time. Despite the type of grunt-work I do, I actually work with some incredibly competent and most likely over-qualified people – this lady included. My frustration wasn’t a typical “I can’t believe she’s showing me how to do something I already understand.”

The two fields I focused in when I was a computer science major were user interfaces and artificial intelligence, two sides of making computers easier for the end-user. I’ve had to watch and analyze hours of footage of people using computer systems. I am certain the team that created Outlook and has updated it throughout the years have spent countless hours making sure every feature is as intuitive as possible. Seeing her struggle when the correct button was separated from the rest and clearly identified finally made me realize: there’s no way to make computers easy for the average user.

Then she tried to copy and paste the email text instead of printing the email directly. She didn’t use the keyboard shortcut for copy and by the time she got to the drag-down menu she had clicked on something else and was no longer selecting the correct text. I didn’t interrupt again out of fear of appearing ungrateful. Since that didn’t work, she used some keyboard shortcut I didn’t catch that automatically created a PDF out of a selected area on the screen. WTF, I asked silently, as I went back to my seat dejected.

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About a week ago I bought potatoes, onions, and peppers. My goal: to roast potatoes, onions, and peppers. This requires ingredients, a knife, a cutting board, and a baking tray/dish. All of these existed in the house as of the last time I checked. I get all my ingredients together in the kitchen and find that the cutting board is missing. I look everywhere. It’s gone, I’m sad, and I make a sandwich. A couple days later I buy a cutting board. Yesterday I’m ready to tackle this endeavor and I head to the kitchen with the ingredients and my new cutting board. Where there had once been two cookie trays, are now none. I look everywhere -they are gone. I’m sad, I cut up a bunch of vegetables, and eat them with various dips and accompaniments.

I’ve gotten over expecting things to be in their place. All I ask is that they continue to exist. Related to my lack of spontaneity, when I do have a plan I need it to work or I go insane. It took all my willpower and discipline to get over it today and make up pasta with Italian sausage, onions, and bell peppers. 4-5 big meals, total cost: $4. (I made sure a pot still existed before getting started)

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Before work yesterday, a friend was telling me how frustrated he was with a mutual friend who is a Ron Paul supporter. I decided to put him on the spot: “What, exactly, do you disagree with about Ron Paul’s platform?” I haven’t followed his campaign but I know he’s fairly libertarian, and out of desire to be an asshole I was going to back up Ron Paul no matter what the response. Turns out there was none, we had to dig to find a tangential issue. The mutual friend is upset about the skyrocketing costs of the Iraq War; the friend’s response, to me, was “yeah, well, we waste money on a lot of things.” …

… seriously? I pulled no punches. AKA, I was a dick. I said “that’s the most retarded logic I’ve ever heard”, and then I laughed. How else could I respond? I segue into the recent issue of The Economist that has a cover story on the state of conservatism in the U.S. I say “it’s Bush’s fault that we waste so much money on everything else.” A blatant half-truth, and I get called on it – the friend blames Republicans in Congress as well. Here’s what’s interesting: he gave up supporting Bush a couple years ago, but still supports Republican Congressmen. I got him to betray himself via the truth because he was pissed at me for being a dick. I note that The Economist points this out, then hand him the article and ask him to read one relevant line:

“In fact, the Republican Party in Congress is just as responsible as Mr Bush for most of the recent troubles. The Republican majority routinely appropriated more spending than the president asked for. It also larded spending bills with as much extra pork as possible. The number of congressional ‘earmarks’ for projects in members’ districts increased from 1,300 in 1994 when the Republicans took over Congress, to 14,000 in 2005.”

Before handing over the magazine, I note that it’s about the increase in pork under Republican control of the House. He pretends to look at it for a few seconds then puts it down and says, “well, you have to account for inflation.” Ummm… you have to account for population growth, or perhaps argue that not all pork is bad. Find some empirical study that all Republican pork is justifiable compared to those evil Democrats who just want money for socialism. Maybe show that average cost per piece of Republican pork is far less than Democratic pork. You do not, however, have to account for inflation when no dollar signs are quoted. Fucker didn’t read it because he knew it was going to disagree with his world view. So what’s the point – he knows he’s right, why bother with facts?

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Late in the morning after returning home from work I end up reading about the LA housing market. This LA Times (my new employer) article had comments enabled, and I love my anonymous internet racism. “Kim” posted that the Mexicans are turning LA into “sewars”. Since she couldn’t spell sewer, I wrote it off as ignorant hick hatred. Kim posts later in the thread, reiterating the link between Mexicans and sewars, but also praising her home state (and current state of residence) of West Virginia. She has no clue what’s really going on in California outside of the racism she reads online that validates her hatred of Mexicans. She is proud that West Virginia is clear of the Mexican menace. She states that nobody in West Virginia is “stupid enough” to pay 600k for a 1200 square foot condo. Yes, California housing is out of control and overpriced (compared to what people can afford), but that’s a bit of a simplification.

A beautiful girl I met at the new employee orientation on Monday has the job of monitoring comments and other user-submitted material. I felt really sorry for her.

Although I’ve lived in the white parts of Orange County for some time, I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. I’ve seen the nice parts of the Valley and the bad parts of the Valley. My parents live on the edge of a Jewish part of town, which remains Jewish because of the location of synagogues. In recent years, there have been instances of garage doors getting tagged around my parents’ house. The city immediately paints over them in an attempt to fix broken windows. Regardless of whether that approach works, it’s nice that the city takes care of it. My aunt and uncle live in a prototypical “white flight” neighborhood. What used to be a very nice neighborhood – in terms of lack of crime, house upkeep, etc. – is now pretty bleh. It used to be all white, now it’s all Mexican. Just pointing out facts, not placing simplistic blame.

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I realized, as I was getting frustrated with Kim, that I was internally using the same argument against her that other internet folk have been using against me. Before I go deeper, I am aware that arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics. She doesn’t have any knowledge of what things are really like in California, and she doesn’t care to know the truth. Illegal immigration is destroying the country (assumed as fact), therefore Mexicans are evil and turning everywhere they live into “sewars”. This is similar to “what has Scientology done to you?” or “how can you claim to know anything about Amway/Quixtar when you aren’t in The Business?” The only difference is that I believe I read both sides of an argument, analyze them critically, and come to a legitimate conclusion that isn’t based off validating what I already believe to be true.

Then it became clear that I think almost everyone is ignorant, a hypocrite… a real phony. I get frustrated when the world doesn’t go my way. This Caulfieldian outlook is dominating my perception of the world – look and ye shall find. I’m 25 years old and full of teenage angst. I don’t expect to mentally hit the mid-20s until 65.